Here’s What People Are Saying About Courage

October 27, 2017October 27, 2017Leave a comment

I hear it all the time now since I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer last year… “You are so brave. I wouldn’t have the courage to face cancer the way you have.” I never know how to respond to that because I don’t feel particularly brave or courageous.

All I can say is I think you’d be surprised what you are capable of. I always thought I would fall to the ground sobbing upon learning I had cancer, but that wasn’t the case. I think my doctor expected a different reaction from me too since she paused a moment before asking me if I understood that she had just told me I had cancer. Sure, I did. I’d been preparing myself for that diagnosis for weeks. I think I would have been more shocked to hear I *didn’t* have cancer. Once she confirmed what I had suspected, my only thought was “okay, what do we do now?” Every day since then has been a variation on that same thing. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

Today’s Rose | I had a nice visit with some of my Starbucks peeps today. While there it occurred to me they are yet another branch of my support network and I realized just how much I’ve been missing them.

Today’s Thorn | Fergus isn’t having the best day today. I’ve lost track of how many times he has stood in his food bowl and then water bowl before kicking water all over the living room. He wants to go out, but when we get there he doesn’t do anything. Here we go again…hopefully the last time tonight.

Don’t worry, I got this

<3P

World Domination, Step 1 | Increase Awareness

October 25, 2017Leave a comment

While talking with one of my doctors today, I mentioned that I might reduce posts to only once a week because it doesn’t look like my posts are being read by many folks. Then I rattled off the concerns I have: are my posts too long? are they poorly written? am I posting to frequently? After all, I’ve had people complain about my Facebook posts in the past, saying they muted me because I flooded their feed. Is that what’s happening here? Should I focus on one topic a week and do it up right? I mean, if my friends don’t even want to read my blog, why would a complete stranger? How will I ever effect any change if I’m just shouting into the void?

After a beat, he asked me if writing these posts was helping me?

Certainly, getting these thoughts out of my head onto the page has been a huge help.

Does writing as often as you do work for you?

At least for right now it does, there’s a lot of thoughts rolling around in my head.

I certainly don’t intend to discount the need for increased research, but isn’t the biggest issue a lack of awareness? There are people out there that don’t even know ovarian cancer is a thing and early detection is key…

Yes, and I’ve heard of friends who were aware having to beg their doctor to investigate their symptoms because they can so easily be written off as symptoms of aging.

Right. In my opinion, if your posts save just one woman that would be huge.

So, I’m going to keep going. I’m still looking for my voice and trying to figure out what works for me, but if you hang in there with me I promise I’ll get the hang of this eventually. And maybe, just maybe, these posts will help someone else besides just me.

If, like my sister, you think this blog might help someone who loves a survivor understand what they are going through and you know someone who might benefit, would you please consider sharing with them? I’d be ever so grateful!

Don’t worry, I’ve got this!

❤ P

On Progress

October 23, 2017Leave a comment

I’m making progress and while some days are better than others it’s still progress. Over time, I’ve learned that even at a slow pace it still counts.

Next week I’m taking next step towards achieving a professional goal I’ve been working on since I completed treatment in January. Much of my attention is focused on preparing for this trip, but as I do I can’t help but think about how far I have come in the last 9 months. It often seemed to be going so slow that I felt I was getting nowhere, but now I can see that was not the case. I’m still mulling over how to put all of my feelings on the matter in to words. So much is going on right now though that I think I’m going to need some more time.

I can’t say too much about my trip other than to say I’ll be venturing back in to familiar territory that post-treatment feels outside of my current comfort zone. For someone who used to travel all the time, after having been in the protective bubble of treatment and recovery, it now feels like a ‘new’ experience that is unfamiliar and weird. As I continue to move forward, it is coming back to me and I’m excited to get under way.

no worries, I got this

❤ P

All Good in the Neighborhood

October 19, 2017October 19, 2017Leave a comment

Long and busy day has worn me out so this probably will be short and sweet.

My gyn-oncologist has the raddest shoes

Everything checked out fine at my doctor appointment this morning. I am super grateful for my wonderful gyn-oncologist. She explained that with my CA-125 results a doubling of the value in a 3 month span would be a cause for concern, but the small increases I noted were normal. She reassured me that it was her job to CARE for me, not PROTECT me, so I should never worry that she has not shared everything she knows with me.

Reiterating that if she didn’t know something she would tell me and that when it came to difficult conversations she would deliver the news as empathetically as she could, but that she would tell me everything. I cannot emphasize enough what that meant to me.

She also pointed out, without making me feel like a complete goober, that I had an ultrasound when my gallbladder came out in July that was noted as being UNREMARKABLE. Something that would totally have eased my mind if I had taken a moment to think it through. I left the office with a script for antibiotics to treat my UTI, lots of compliments on my knitting, and some new shoe goals. All in all a successful start to the day.

I stopped by Salontology this afternoon to see my Hottie Scottie to catch up with him and get my hairs shaped up a bit. He has made ‘the great hair reboot of 2017’ so much more bearable. A clip here and another there and he’s made each phase of growth look like it was a choice and not just something I had to deal with after treatment.

My last stop of the day was to see a pint-sized pal at Duke Children’s Hospital who had surgery to address a curvature in her spine on Monday. People have called me a warrior, but I have nothing on her! She walked around her unit yesterday and two flights of stairs today. She’s had issues with pain management, but she’s handling it like a champ. I’m super proud of how well that little rock star is doing. While I was there tonight she finally started to get her appetite back, enjoyed opening some presents, and was visited by Foster the Therapy Dog. When I left she was settled among her pillows and stuffed animals watching The Lion King 😉

What a day. I think I’ll be napping it up tomorrow!

no worries, I got this.

❤ P

Fear is the Mind Killer

October 17, 2017October 17, 2017Leave a comment

While I wait to hear back about survivorship support AND wait to see doctor about my current health issues, I’ve been exercising my Google Fu skills to find some help online. One such resource I found was a PDF booklet titled creatively enough, “Facing Forward: Life After Cancer Treatment” put together by the National Cancer Institute.

I’m finding it to contain some useful information. They suggest you share the booklet with friends and family to help them understand what you are going through, which I have now done. You can either read it straight through or read a specific section as needed. I skimmed the whole booklet to get a sense of the contents and now I’m taking on sections that resonate with me the most at any given time.

On the heels of yesterday’s semi-controlled vent regarding fears of my cancer coming back, I thought the section on coping skills for that very thing might be a good place to begin.

Be Informed – this is currently causing me more agita than it is helping, so moving on…
Express Feelings – the blog is helping me to better get out the thoughts rolling around in my head
Seek the Positive – I’m considering adding a section to my posts to highlight the good I see happening around me
Don’t Blame Yourself – my initial thought was that this doesn’t really apply to me and then a tiny voice said, “yes, it does” so we’ll just consider this a work in progress
Be Active – Fergus and Fitbit are helping me with this one. I increased my step goal another 1K per day this week to 7K
Relax – Knitting.
Control What You Can – as a recovering control freak, this one is a bit difficult for me, but I’m working on it 🙂

How have you dealt with your fears? Let me know in the comments. We’re all in this together after all.

Don’t worry, I got this.

❤ P

Life With Cancer | It’s Probably Nothing, But…

October 16, 2017October 17, 20172 Comments

There’s an ever so slight chance it’s something.

After my 10% chance it’s something became 100% it’s ovarian cancer, I haven’t had much trust in the simple reassurances you often hear when facing an unknown. One of the questions that comes along with surviving cancer is, “will my cancer come back?” Most of the time, that question hides way in the deep of my subconsciousness and only surfaces right before one of my quarterly follow-up visits.

Until this weekend, that is.

Based on my symptoms I most likely have a simple UTI or, at worst, a kidney stone. However, because I’m an ovarian cancer survivor there’s the third option of a recurrence in the form of bladder cancer. I haven’t really had a UTI since my mom figured out when I was 5 or so that Mr Bubble and I didn’t really get along too well. There was a suspected instance during my chemo treatments, but because I was neutropenic and popped a fever, it was addressed almost immediately in the ER with some heavy duty broad spectrum IV antibiotics.

That isn’t the case this time. This time there is no fever and no quick turnaround in the ER, instead there is blood and roughly 3 days of calls to figure out what needs to be done. As long as I can continue to weather the crazy urgency to pee countless times throughout the day and night, I have an appointment to be seen by my gyn-oncologist Thursday afternoon. If I break before then, I’m to call back so they can get me seen by one of the Fellows. I don’t see me breaking anytime soon as I’m still agitated that Fellow blew me off on Saturday night and I won’t feel at peace until I hear from Dr. Gehrig.

Pretty much everyone has assured me that it’s probably nothing and for the most part I agree with them, but I still can’t help but worry that maybe, just maybe, it IS something. Only 9 months post-chemo and I’m being introduced to the thoughts I will have every time something is not quite right in my body… “is this it? has my cancer come back?”

#TeamPamda

#FightLikeAGirl #IGotThis #WithALottaHelpFromMyFriends #TealRibbon

Category: survivorship