Here’s What People Are Saying About Courage

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I hear it all the time now since I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer last year… “You are so brave. I wouldn’t have the courage to face cancer the way you have.” I never know how to respond to that because I don’t feel particularly brave or courageous.

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All I can say is I think you’d be surprised what you are capable of. I always thought I would fall to the ground sobbing upon learning I had cancer, but that wasn’t the case. I think my doctor expected a different reaction from me too since she paused a moment before asking me if I understood that she had just told me I had cancer. Sure, I did. I’d been preparing myself for that diagnosis for weeks. I think I would have been more shocked to hear I *didn’t* have cancer. Once she confirmed what I had suspected, my only thought was “okay, what do we do now?” Every day since then has been a variation on that same thing. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

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Today’s Rose | I had a nice visit with some of my Starbucks peeps today. While there it occurred to me they are yet another branch of my support network and I realized just how much I’ve been missing them.

Today’s Thorn | Fergus isn’t having the best day today. I’ve lost track of how many times he has stood in his food bowl and then water bowl before kicking water all over the living room. He wants to go out, but when we get there he doesn’t do anything. Here we go again…hopefully the last time tonight.

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Don’t worry, I got this

<3P

All Good in the Neighborhood

Long and busy day has worn me out so this probably will be short and sweet.

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My gyn-oncologist has the raddest shoes

Everything checked out fine at my doctor appointment this morning. I am super grateful for my wonderful gyn-oncologist. She explained that with my CA-125 results a doubling of the value in a 3 month span would be a cause for concern, but the small increases I noted were normal. She reassured me that it was her job to CARE for me, not PROTECT me, so I should never worry that she has not shared everything she knows with me.

Reiterating that if she didn’t know something she would tell me and that when it came to difficult conversations she would deliver the news as empathetically as she could, but that she would tell me everything. I cannot emphasize enough what that meant to me.

She also pointed out, without making me feel like a complete goober, that I had an ultrasound when my gallbladder came out in July that was noted as being UNREMARKABLE. Something that would totally have eased my mind if I had taken a moment to think it through.  I left the office with a script for antibiotics to treat my UTI, lots of compliments on my knitting, and some new shoe goals. All in all a successful start to the day.

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I stopped by Salontology this afternoon to see my Hottie Scottie to catch up with him and get my hairs shaped up a bit. He has made ‘the great hair reboot of 2017’ so much more bearable. A clip here and another there and he’s made each phase of growth look like it was a choice and not just something I had to deal with after treatment.

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My last stop of the day was to see a pint-sized pal at Duke Children’s Hospital who had surgery to address a curvature in her spine on Monday. People have called me a warrior, but I have nothing on her! She walked around her unit yesterday and two flights of stairs today. She’s had issues with pain management, but she’s handling it like a champ. I’m super proud of how well that little rock star is doing. While I was there tonight she finally started to get her appetite back, enjoyed opening some presents, and was visited by Foster the Therapy Dog. When I left she was settled among her pillows and stuffed animals watching The Lion King 😉

What a day. I think I’ll be napping it up tomorrow!


no worries, I got this.

❤ P

 

How Will Numbers Be In The Future?

I joined a Facebook group for ovarian cancer survivors so I could read about the experiences of others to help put mine into some context. One of the first things I saw was a post sharing a guide to CA-125 values prepared by the Foundation for Women’s Cancers . Another timely find as after I received my results from my 9 month post-chemo follow up appointment I noted that since I completed my treatment my CA-125 value has been creeping up. It is still well below the 34.9 cap on the “normal” range and my doctor seems pleased with how they are doing, but it still bothers me.

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I can’t say that I found great comfort in what I read since it says that a increase in number over time is often an indicator of a recurrence. At the same time, there is still a great deal to learn about this test result and the guide does note that a gyn-oncologist is most skilled at interpreting the results for individual patients.

This result is just one more tool in the tool box so I shouldn’t give it more power than it deserves. I’ve noted a trend, but all that calls for is continued attention to future results and not a call to arms now. I guess I’m still recovering from being told that they don’t normally become concerned about an elevated CA-125 value in a “woman my age” until it hits 200 (when mine was 165). However, if I’m reading this guide properly it seems that it is not really considered an accurate screening test until it is determined that it is accurate for the individual with the value (clear as mud, yes?)…

Gratefully, it isn’t my job to obsess over these numbers and I have great faith in the abilities of the person who does have that job. Speaking of which, I see her tomorrow to determine what’s going on in my urinary tract so I can ask her then if I’m just being my hyper vigilant self or if there is any cause for concern.

Has your CA-125 value been a good indicator for you with regards to your diagnosis, treatment, and follow up or not? Let me know in the comments below.


No worries, I got this

❤ P

Fear is the Mind Killer

While I wait to hear back about survivorship support AND wait to see doctor about my current health issues, I’ve been exercising my Google Fu skills to find some help online. One such resource I found was a PDF booklet titled creatively enough, “Facing Forward: Life After Cancer Treatment” put together by the National Cancer Institute.

I’m finding it to contain some useful information. They suggest you share the booklet with friends and family to help them understand what you are going through, which I have now done. You can either read it straight through or read a specific section as needed. I skimmed the whole booklet to get a sense of the contents and now I’m taking on sections that resonate with me the most at any given time.

On the heels of yesterday’s semi-controlled vent regarding fears of my cancer coming back, I thought the section on coping skills for that very thing might be a good place to begin.

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  • Be Informed – this is currently causing me more agita than it is helping, so moving on…
  • Express Feelings – the blog is helping me to better get out the thoughts rolling around in my head
  • Seek the Positive – I’m considering adding a section to my posts to highlight the good I see happening around me
  • Don’t Blame Yourself – my initial thought was that this doesn’t really apply to me and then a tiny voice said, “yes, it does” so we’ll just consider this a work in progress
  • Be Active – Fergus and Fitbit are helping me with this one. I increased my step goal another 1K per day this week to 7K
  • Relax – Knitting.
  • Control What You Can – as a recovering control freak, this one is a bit difficult for me, but I’m working on it 🙂

How have you dealt with your fears? Let me know in the comments. We’re all in this together after all.


Don’t worry, I got this.

❤ P

Life With Cancer | It’s Probably Nothing, But…

There’s an ever so slight chance it’s something.

After my 10% chance it’s something became 100% it’s ovarian cancer, I haven’t had much trust in the simple reassurances you often hear when facing an unknown. One of the questions that comes along with surviving cancer is, “will my cancer come back?” Most of the time, that question hides way in the deep of my subconsciousness and only surfaces right before one of my quarterly follow-up visits.

Until this weekend, that is.

Based on my symptoms I most likely have a simple UTI or, at worst, a kidney stone. However, because I’m an ovarian cancer survivor there’s the third option of a recurrence in the form of bladder cancer. I haven’t really had a UTI since my mom figured out when I was 5 or so that Mr Bubble and I didn’t really get along too well. There was a suspected instance during my chemo treatments, but because I was neutropenic and popped a fever, it was addressed almost immediately in the ER with some heavy duty broad spectrum IV antibiotics.

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That isn’t the case this time. This time there is no fever and no quick turnaround in the ER, instead there is blood and roughly 3 days of calls to figure out what needs to be done. As long as I can continue to weather the crazy urgency to pee countless times throughout the day and night, I have an appointment to be seen by my gyn-oncologist Thursday afternoon. If I break before then, I’m to call back so they can get me seen by one of the Fellows. I don’t see me breaking anytime soon as I’m still agitated that Fellow blew me off on Saturday night and I won’t feel at peace until I hear from Dr. Gehrig.

Pretty much everyone has assured me that it’s probably nothing and for the most part I agree with them, but I still can’t help but worry that maybe, just maybe, it IS something. Only 9 months post-chemo and I’m being introduced to the thoughts I will have every time something is not quite right in my body… “is this it? has my cancer come back?”

AMA | What Would I Have Done Differently?

Knowing your symptoms that you had for so long, what would you have done differently knowing what you know now?

… Linda Matthews

Considering that it took the only doctor I had at the time, my psychiatrist who manages my ADHD medications, had to refuse to refill my meds until I identified a primary care physician and have my blood pressure checked, I think it’s safe to say there are several things I would have done differently knowing what I know now.

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I think the main thing I should have done was recognize that, like in so many other areas of my life, when it comes to my health knowledge is power. Believe it or not, I had to have my doctor point this out to me after a CT scan halfway through my chemotherapy revealed that I had nodules on my thyroid, a nodule on my right lung, multiple lymph nodes had developed in my abdomen, and my gallbladder was full to the neck with gallstones.

Needless to say, I freaked out.

In going over these findings with Dr. G pointed out that pretty much everyone has these types of things happening in their body at any given time, but don’t have the privilege of knowing until there was an issue. That I was able to know this additional information about myself was a gift giving us the opportunity to establish baselines and know what things I may need to keep an eye on going forward.

As it turns out, I was able to utilize some of this extra knowledge this past July. I woke up at the crack of dawn knowing that something horrible was happening in the upper right quadrant of my abdomen. Ah yes, I thought, my gallbladder is full to the neck with gallstones! A quick Google later and the symptoms I was experiencing tracked with a gallbladder attack. Mind you, I’m still a bit of a wingnut and contacted first a friend, then the gyn-oncology department at UNC Hospitals, and finally my nurse neighbor before I finally accepted that the only way I was going to rid myself of the pain was a trip to the ER. However, once there it did help things along to be able to tell the doctor that I had two scans on file showing stones in my gallbladder, even though he said it took the fun out of his investigation.

Now, the funny thing I learned I should have done differently? Not view medical tests the same way I do skills tests. I didn’t want to go see primary care physician about the concerns my psychiatrist had about my blood pressure because I was afraid I’d fail the tests. Which is lame because, like noted above, you can’t fail in this situation as it is just more knowledge and knowledge is power.BeSilent_bigger

Additional changes include:

  • Not writing off the symptoms I was having as being part of the aging process. Weird rapid weight gain, fatigue, blood pressure issues, lower back pain, indigestion, and heartburn individually *maybe* could have been written off as a fact of life, but combined the way they were and all arriving at the same time should have raised a flag or too. Combined they were symptoms of the mass growing in my abdomen displacing my organs and putting pressure on my arteries.
  • Routine screenings and physicals with primary care physician
  • Be quiet; hear the whisper

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Thank you for the question, Linda! Does anyone else have a question for me?

My One True Fear

Having ovarian cancer doesn’t scare me, but not having access to affordable healthcare terrifies me.

I try not to focus too much on the discussion surrounding the plans to repeal and replace the Affordable Care Act (ACA or Obamacare) because I believe the mere thought of being stripped of my coverage before a replacement has been identified is detrimental to my continued success. The very thought terrifies me and can send me spiraling into depression if I’m not careful. I was taught to have my next job lined up before quitting my current one, so being laid off by greedy small business owners after 13 years of loyalty to them and dedication to my position reiterated why having the next thing lined up is important to continued success for ALL involved.

My surgery and hospital stay ALONE were over $35,000… That does not include the subsequent tests and treatments I have received to insure that I have a fighting chance at surviving this ONE killer that claims over 14,000 lives per year…