Category: Uncategorized

Positively Positive

Leave a comment

I should have know when his first degree was in Psychology that it would come back to kick me in the arse one day. Remind me to thank him for that kick, I really needed it.

I got off schedule with my antidepressant and got stuck in a bit of a negative spiral this weekend. Certainly there are a number of things happening at the moment worthy of being depressed and usually I am able to re-frame and re-focus so I can soldier on, but now and again a kick is in order. This was one of those times.

In my previous post, I must have done a terrible job explaining that every now and then I just want to do something fun with someone else. Something that doesn’t revolve around my cancer. Right now I have been making such big asks of pretty much all of my friends and loved ones related to my cancer treatment that turning around and asking them to give up time with their loved ones and do something fun with me purely because I am lonely seems ridiculously selfish.
And damn if it did not hurt that the one single guy who hasn’t been called on for anything could not even be bothered to respond to my request to go to the movies. Not even to say no. Way to keep me grounded in reality introverted single guy. 
So much suckage all around me I just could not deal with it all so it was spilling out of me all over our conversation until he had heard enough and wrote…

change your.png

“Change your thoughts and you change your world.”

But he was not done there so he continued with, “Now is especially not the time to be so negative. Lie to yourself if you have to. Negative thoughts can be very damaging to the body, mind, and spirit.”

I responded that I knew that, but DAMN.

That earned me a stern, “nope, no damn” so I called him bossy. Seriously, he’s bossy. He claimed it is only when he needs it…

I railed back that I have been lying to myself about things getting better for so long now while things just keeps getting worse that I no longer believe that particular affirmation.

He suggested, “Find the things that are positive and focus on them.”

A 5 yr old said I was beautiful Saturday; so kids dig me.
Dogs dig me.
“Good things are everywhere if you look.”
Yes, so are couples doing happy shit.
[Did I mention I am snarky and stubborn?]
It was time for his class to start back up so he closed with, “I hope you can start focusing more on the positive.”
Challenge Accepted. [I am also competitive and love a challenge]
Positive 1.  I am going to save a fortune in shampoo and conditioner
Positive 2.  I save so much time getting ready in the morning
Positive 3.  Fergus is even bossier than you so I always have a reason to roll out of bed
Positive 4.  There’s no one here to tell me I shouldn’t have ice cream for breakfast
Positive 5.  I’m having ice cream for breakfast
Look at that. Five and it was not even 8AM yet!
Positive (?) 6.  I eat less ice cream than I used to eat
Positive 7.  Plenty of uninterrupted knitting time
Positive 8.  I have virtually no forehead wrinkles
Positive 9.  I have a super nice mailman
Positive 10. My cousin sent me 2 lovely hats
Positive 11. A friend sent me a lovely card with a Starbucks gift card
“Now doesn’t that feel much better?” he asked.
maybe…
Positive 12. I have great friends
Positive 13. I found my comfy t-shirt material hat yesterday
Positive 14. All the horrible election ads will be gone
Positive 15. I’m getting lunch from my peeps at CockADoodleMoo food truck today
(which comes with a generous side of hugs and smiles)
 Positive 16. Fergus likes to spoon on cold mornings
Positive 17. I was able to put my trash and recycling bins out by myself
Positive 18. A free bagel every day in November at Panera
(so breakfast is covered when I’m not up to it & trash duty took care of that energy)

15008070_10154148115419010_1926489552_o

The Xanga!

Positive 18(+). A $1 off coffee too. Wut?!?!
Positive 19. The Xanga, from CockADoodleMoo Food Truck gets its very own number.
(Someone recently said I know too many foodies, but can you really? I think not)
to be continued…
Don’t worry, I got this…

Being Single with Cancer SUCKS

Leave a comment

[or “Why I Think They Should Just Hand You a 1000 Cats With Your Cancer Diagnosis When You Are Single”]

I told him I wanted to write a post about how much it sucks to be single with cancer but I feel like it is just so whiny to cry about all the things that hurt about being single through all of this and would discount all of the great support I have around me. Everyone is always telling me how upbeat and positive while I’m all sad because I’m alone 90-95% of the time and just want someone to cuddle up with me on the couch to watch movies or take me out on a stupid date (or… or… or… the list goes on for a pitifully long time). No one wants to date a sick bald girl who is always tired and weak.

He said, “I think you should write the post.”

I asked him why? To vent my spleen? It just seems so pathetic and I have been single for so long now I suspect everyone just figures that my being single is a personal choice and that I like it being alone as opposed to a “chick can’t land a date if you tied movie tickets and coupons for free steak dinners around her neck” type reality now made all the more difficult by a lack of hair and reproductive organs.

“Just curious if you have tried a dating site.”, he asked, followed closely by, “Also, I think many would not care about reproductive organs.”

Have a tried a dating site? HA! Yes, I’ve tried multiple dating sites.

The most successful outcome is MSEE that I’ve been talking to for years but have only been out on 4(?) actual dates …and none of those recently. He’s not intimidated by my intelligence, loves my sense of humor, and is all kinds of supportive from a comfy introverted distance but that severely lacks a certain something.

 Then there is the parade of losers:
  1. Guy who actually asked if I was able to have children before ever even asking me on a date or meeting me in person. (this guy certainly cared about reproductive organs along with what skills I could bring to the relationship)
  2. Those who have deemed themselves not intelligent enough for me before we ever even met in person (or allowing me to make that determination for myself).
  3. Extremely memorable guy who couldn’t understand why his kicking his dog was a deal breaker for me.
  4. Guy whose first words to me were to ask if I liked full body massages… (are there people who DON’T?)
  5. Dude who offered “coffee, tea, or me turned over your knee getting spanked” as a means of introduction.
  6. Guy who declared himself too boring for me. (granted, I agreed with him on this point)
  7. Twenty-something who offered his services to me at my leisure… in his van…behind a gas station…in Rocky Mount.

The remainder were either older than my father (which is just too weird for me) or more than half my age and applying for my consideration as their sugar momma (in the greatest abuse of the English language I have ever witnessed and I’ve witnessed some major abuse in my day).

“Well, yeah, people are freaks.”

At least the ones who contact me via dating sites!

I told him that perhaps by the time morning hit Zambia my pitiful spleen would vent a post on the blog titled “they should just hand you a 1000 cats if single when diagnosed with cancer.”

“Well, maybe work on the title.”, he suggested.

…don’t worry, I got this, thanks to friends like him (he sayeth so it iseth).

Adventures in Head Shaving

Leave a comment

I dropped in on my BamPowChow food truck friends yesterday for lunch (chicken and bacon jam quesadilla for the win!) and after complimenting me on my punk rock stubble Chef Sean gave me some unsolicited but sage advice:

  1. Shave your head in the shower.
  2. Stop shaving when you no longer hear the *scritch* *scritch* *scritch*.

That second one made me laugh because he said it so matter of factly like everyone can hear the razor in their head when shaving. Perhaps that is common for guys, but my legs are a long way from my ears and while I can’t speak for all women, I don’t recall hearing that before.

Now, I have been on the fence about shaving my head with a razor. Before last night, I was thinking I might be able to get away with the closely clipped stubble I’ve been rocking for the last week, BUT there is this weird thing happening with my hair right now and last night it became unbearable. My hair hurt. Every time my head touched the pillow it hurt me so badly I couldn’t sleep. Maria and I have developed a theory that the chemo must kill off the root ball that anchors a shaft of hair in your skin leaving the shaft exposed and able to poke you mercilessly like a tiny needle. Then not long after your hair starts to hurt it starts to fall out in droves. I’ve been using this whole weird series of events as an indicator of when to bring out the clippers. Today I hit the last level of hair to downsize so I hit the showers with razor in hand. Cue the hilarity to ensue!

the-delivery

I wasn’t that far in (and intently listening for the *scritch* *scritch* *scritch* to stop) when I realized this wasn’t going to go as smoothly as I would have hoped. For starters, it was taking a lot of work to get the *scritch* *scritch* *scritch* to stop! I was also getting tired and running out of hot water. I decided to make sure the areas NOT covered by a ball cap were shaved up as best I could and finished up my shower.

After consulting with my authority on all things manish (thanks Brock!) and the rest of the family hive mind (thanks Allison and Sue My Mother!), I arranged with Trish, my Thursday Partner In Crime to pop by Target after my weekly blood letting to pick up a Harry’s razor and some of their Post Shave Balm with aloe vera (which relieves and soothes!). Then, once back home this afternoon I set about finishing this morning’s shower and shave 😉

Take Aways:

  1. Razors meant for legs don’t seem to do so hot on heads.
  2. There’s a reason the guy’s shaving aisle is so much better than the lady’s equivalent.
  3. Wow is my head SMOOVE!
  4. Dang, I sure do have a purty head.

Don’t worry, I got this…

Please, No, Not The Look.

2 Comments

I’ve been fine with losing my hair from the beginning, in fact I considered it a silver lining since it would give me a great excuse to do some fun things with my hair since forever. Scott, my hottie hair stylist, and I have had several conversations about what we would be able to do both as it was leaving, while it was gone, and when it was growing back. However, along the way I realized one important thing. I wanted to be in control of it going, not the chemo..controlling the burn as I termed it. It was all fun and games until this last trim when the last of my hair came off.

At my first chemo treatment, where it was evident I was a noob because I had hair, I realized there were actually two important things. The second being that I was okay not having hair as long as it was just me on my own and not identified as a group of sick women. Turns out that the perception of others is something I cannot control. I have known that for years, but I had not made the connection until recently.

My friend, Maria, is a treatment ahead of me and has been preparing me for what to expect based upon her own experiences. She told me that once my hair was gone, I would be hugged and prayed over by strangers, but she did not make as much note about the look.

You know the look, the “oh, you poor thing, how terrible” look. Pity.

I do not need it, I do not want it, and I do not deserve it. My cancer was caught miraculously early, I have been blessed with an amazing doctor, and we are treating whatever cells remaining aggressively. My odds are better than most women who have been diagnosed with ovarian cancer and I know it. Instead, SMILE. Trust me on this one. Look them square in the eyes and SMILE. You might be surprised by the effect it has on the exhausted looking, no hair day having beauty before you.

First blog post

Leave a comment

To know me is to love me and be fully prepared that at some point I’m bound to overshare something other people tend to consider *too personal* to talk about above a hushed whisper in a very small group. Why anyone would think things would be any different now that I have *the cancer* is beyond me, so disabuse yourself of any misconceptions now. Should it cross my brain pan and one ounce of me consider it worth sharing, energy willing you will find it here.