Tag: single with cancer

Here’s What People Are Saying About Courage

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I hear it all the time now since I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer last year… “You are so brave. I wouldn’t have the courage to face cancer the way you have.” I never know how to respond to that because I don’t feel particularly brave or courageous.

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All I can say is I think you’d be surprised what you are capable of. I always thought I would fall to the ground sobbing upon learning I had cancer, but that wasn’t the case. I think my doctor expected a different reaction from me too since she paused a moment before asking me if I understood that she had just told me I had cancer. Sure, I did. I’d been preparing myself for that diagnosis for weeks. I think I would have been more shocked to hear I *didn’t* have cancer. Once she confirmed what I had suspected, my only thought was “okay, what do we do now?” Every day since then has been a variation on that same thing. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

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Today’s Rose | I had a nice visit with some of my Starbucks peeps today. While there it occurred to me they are yet another branch of my support network and I realized just how much I’ve been missing them.

Today’s Thorn | Fergus isn’t having the best day today. I’ve lost track of how many times he has stood in his food bowl and then water bowl before kicking water all over the living room. He wants to go out, but when we get there he doesn’t do anything. Here we go again…hopefully the last time tonight.

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Don’t worry, I got this

<3P

All Good in the Neighborhood

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Long and busy day has worn me out so this probably will be short and sweet.

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My gyn-oncologist has the raddest shoes

Everything checked out fine at my doctor appointment this morning. I am super grateful for my wonderful gyn-oncologist. She explained that with my CA-125 results a doubling of the value in a 3 month span would be a cause for concern, but the small increases I noted were normal. She reassured me that it was her job to CARE for me, not PROTECT me, so I should never worry that she has not shared everything she knows with me.

Reiterating that if she didn’t know something she would tell me and that when it came to difficult conversations she would deliver the news as empathetically as she could, but that she would tell me everything. I cannot emphasize enough what that meant to me.

She also pointed out, without making me feel like a complete goober, that I had an ultrasound when my gallbladder came out in July that was noted as being UNREMARKABLE. Something that would totally have eased my mind if I had taken a moment to think it through.  I left the office with a script for antibiotics to treat my UTI, lots of compliments on my knitting, and some new shoe goals. All in all a successful start to the day.

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I stopped by Salontology this afternoon to see my Hottie Scottie to catch up with him and get my hairs shaped up a bit. He has made ‘the great hair reboot of 2017’ so much more bearable. A clip here and another there and he’s made each phase of growth look like it was a choice and not just something I had to deal with after treatment.

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My last stop of the day was to see a pint-sized pal at Duke Children’s Hospital who had surgery to address a curvature in her spine on Monday. People have called me a warrior, but I have nothing on her! She walked around her unit yesterday and two flights of stairs today. She’s had issues with pain management, but she’s handling it like a champ. I’m super proud of how well that little rock star is doing. While I was there tonight she finally started to get her appetite back, enjoyed opening some presents, and was visited by Foster the Therapy Dog. When I left she was settled among her pillows and stuffed animals watching The Lion King 😉

What a day. I think I’ll be napping it up tomorrow!

no worries, I got this.

❤ P

 

Fear is the Mind Killer

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While I wait to hear back about survivorship support AND wait to see doctor about my current health issues, I’ve been exercising my Google Fu skills to find some help online. One such resource I found was a PDF booklet titled creatively enough, “Facing Forward: Life After Cancer Treatment” put together by the National Cancer Institute.

I’m finding it to contain some useful information. They suggest you share the booklet with friends and family to help them understand what you are going through, which I have now done. You can either read it straight through or read a specific section as needed. I skimmed the whole booklet to get a sense of the contents and now I’m taking on sections that resonate with me the most at any given time.

On the heels of yesterday’s semi-controlled vent regarding fears of my cancer coming back, I thought the section on coping skills for that very thing might be a good place to begin.

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  • Be Informed – this is currently causing me more agita than it is helping, so moving on…
  • Express Feelings – the blog is helping me to better get out the thoughts rolling around in my head
  • Seek the Positive – I’m considering adding a section to my posts to highlight the good I see happening around me
  • Don’t Blame Yourself – my initial thought was that this doesn’t really apply to me and then a tiny voice said, “yes, it does” so we’ll just consider this a work in progress
  • Be Active – Fergus and Fitbit are helping me with this one. I increased my step goal another 1K per day this week to 7K
  • Relax – Knitting.
  • Control What You Can – as a recovering control freak, this one is a bit difficult for me, but I’m working on it 🙂

How have you dealt with your fears? Let me know in the comments. We’re all in this together after all.

Don’t worry, I got this.

❤ P

Life With Cancer | It’s Probably Nothing, But…

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There’s an ever so slight chance it’s something.

After my 10% chance it’s something became 100% it’s ovarian cancer, I haven’t had much trust in the simple reassurances you often hear when facing an unknown. One of the questions that comes along with surviving cancer is, “will my cancer come back?” Most of the time, that question hides way in the deep of my subconsciousness and only surfaces right before one of my quarterly follow-up visits.

Until this weekend, that is.

Based on my symptoms I most likely have a simple UTI or, at worst, a kidney stone. However, because I’m an ovarian cancer survivor there’s the third option of a recurrence in the form of bladder cancer. I haven’t really had a UTI since my mom figured out when I was 5 or so that Mr Bubble and I didn’t really get along too well. There was a suspected instance during my chemo treatments, but because I was neutropenic and popped a fever, it was addressed almost immediately in the ER with some heavy duty broad spectrum IV antibiotics.

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That isn’t the case this time. This time there is no fever and no quick turnaround in the ER, instead there is blood and roughly 3 days of calls to figure out what needs to be done. As long as I can continue to weather the crazy urgency to pee countless times throughout the day and night, I have an appointment to be seen by my gyn-oncologist Thursday afternoon. If I break before then, I’m to call back so they can get me seen by one of the Fellows. I don’t see me breaking anytime soon as I’m still agitated that Fellow blew me off on Saturday night and I won’t feel at peace until I hear from Dr. Gehrig.

Pretty much everyone has assured me that it’s probably nothing and for the most part I agree with them, but I still can’t help but worry that maybe, just maybe, it IS something. Only 9 months post-chemo and I’m being introduced to the thoughts I will have every time something is not quite right in my body… “is this it? has my cancer come back?”

Let’s All Go For a Walk

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Not all cancer is PINK.

Ovarian cancer, for example, is TEAL, pancreatic is PURPLE and multiple myeloma is BURGUNDY. I know these colors because people in my life have been touched by these and they often don’t receive the same bandwidth (or support) that breast cancer does. I guess that is why I like Relay For Life; they walk in support of all cancer survivors AND honor the caregivers who help us get through some of the toughest days of our lives.

https://charityuknews.wordpress.com/2013/08/27/cancer-awareness-ribbon-colours/

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Over the years I have walked in several breast cancer walks and was trying to figure out what I would do instead now that I’m an ovarian cancer survivor when I met Jennifer, a multiple myeloma survivor, at her Sparkles N Sprites craft booth at NC ComicCon. She invited me to join her and her friend, Veronica, at an upcoming Relay For Life event happening near me in Cary. She felt the experience would be good for me as I was just beginning to rebuild my energy after finishing up chemo a couple months before. Remembering how it had been important to Amanda and Kelli, it didn’t take much to convince me to join after that.

We got a lot out of that morning of walking and determined we would continue to participate in the future. Overachiever that I am, I piped up that we should start a team and the wiser among us agreed that if I started it then they’d likely join me 😉https://secure.acsevents.org/site/SPageServer/;jsessionid=00000000.app306b?pagename=relay_learn&NONCE_TOKEN=601AE4434EBDC031072EF1FE3FA9B897

So here we are 6 months later. I am approaching my first year post-chemo and the prospect of finally saying goodbye to my port after I pass my first year anniversary. How to mark these momentous occasions? Then I received a challenge email from Relay For Life to attempt to reach a fundraising goal of $150 by the end of October and it all came back to me. I’m starting a team! I’m raising funds for cancer research! I’m going to spend time with friends walking around a track! This is how I can make a difference for others who might have to go through what I did! Oh goodness, what have I gotten myself into? I need your help, please!

Now, here’s where YOU come in…I’ve CREATED the team, but I need you to BE the team since we all know there is no ‘I’ in ‘TEAM’.

WHAT IS RELAY FOR LIFE?

Relay is a team fundraising event where team members take turns walking around a track or designated path. Each event is 6-24 hours in length and each team is asked to have a member on the track at all times to signify that cancer never sleeps. Cancer patients don’t stop because they’re tired, and for one night, neither do we.

Each team sets up a themed campsite at the event and continues their fundraising efforts by collecting donations for food, goods, games, and activities. This money will count towards their overall team fundraising goal.

I’ve signed TeamPamda up for the event at NCSU on Friday, April 6, 2018 (I think) and would love for you to join me. This will be my first time as captain of a team like this so we’ll be learning the ropes together. Right now I’m looking for help to get this all going, so even if you don’t think you can be there the day of the walk there are other ways you can get involved and help us reach our fundraising goal.

There will be more posts as I receive additional information, but you can visit the Relay For Life site (home page) to register and join my team. The earlier you register, the more time you have to raise funds and earn fabulous swag in the process.

Thank you for your support!

The Results Are In

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Overall everything went great today. Dr. Gehrig was pleased with how everything looked, I was able to visit with some much beloved peeps, and CA-125 value just came back well below the normal limit.

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So, YAY!, right?

Then why did I burst into tears when my nurse, Olivia, asked how I was doing?

GREAT QUESTION! I was equally curious as to what that was all about.

On the surface, it seems that, despite my efforts, my weight continues to rise a little more each time I weigh in. Now there are plenty of reasons it could appear that way and sweet nurse and wonderful brother were right there with all of them to help me regain myself. Still, it is extremely frustrating especially after all of the sacrifices I’ve been making to help things move in the right direction. They are setting me up with a nutritionist to make sure I am eating what I should and not replacing those former comfort foods with even worse, but cleverly disguised comfort foods… THAT is quite possible knowing me like I do.

But Dr. Gehrig dug even deeper and determined that I’ve reached another stage in my treatment and recovery… SURVIVORSHIP.

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The more we talked the more I realized that this is the reason for the MEH feeling I’ve been experiencing lately. Well, this and a touch of the Pink Stink as Dr Gehrig termed it. Or, as I describe it, the desire to scream every time I see pink or hear how more needs to be done to bring awareness to breast cancer. #NotAllCancerIsPink

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From the outside looking in, most people think coming to the end of treatment should be a time of joy and ease. However for many survivors when the routine of treatment ends it can be a time of mixed emotions – a time for celebration, yet also a time of more challenges. Many survivors often liken the transition to being cast adrift – they’re not sure what comes next and they feel lost about moving forward.

Thankfully, UNC Lineberger Comprehensive Cancer Center is well equipped to help me, at least with the survivorship bit, I think I’m on my own to deal with the pink stink issue. They offer survivorship care plans, survivorship clinic visits, and cancer transitions classes/workshops. I was sent home with all the information I need to get rolling down the road to *really* surviving 😉

So, yes. YAY!

Check Up Time | 9 Months Post-Chemo

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Tomorrow morning I head to UNC Women’s Hospital in Chapel Hill. I’ll park in the Dogwood Deck, hopefully on the second floor near the sky walk, and make my quarterly pilgrimage to Clinic D. I’ll check-in at the front desk and make small talk with the woman who has greeted me countless times previously before taking a seat with the other women at various stages of their adventure with reproductive cancers.

The first nurse of the day will invite me back to take my vitals and inquire as to whether I’m in any pain. Hopefully my weight will be down and everything else will check out as usual. I’ll let her know that my big toe hurts while giggling internally over the inside joke. I wouldn’t have reported something so seemingly inconsequential in the past. However, now I report everything because I’m afraid if I don’t I might miss something that will prove to be an early warning sign of something less trivial.

Up next is a quick visit with Dr. Gehrig. We will cover how the last 3 months have gone for me, cover any questions I may have, go over any instructions/suggestions she may have, and after a lightning fast internal exam she will wish me well until our next appointment in January when we will hit the one year post-chemo anniversary.

My last stop of the morning will be to visit my favorite ladies in the Infusion Room. While we discuss what I have been up to since I last saw them and I hear updates on progress of cute babies, they will take a blood sample for my CA-125 test and flush my port to keep it working as intended.

One last stop at the front desk to set up my next appointment and maybe a quick pop into the hospital Starbucks for a celebratory beverage and then I’ll be making my way back across the sky walk to find the GR(APE) to make my way back home.

None of these steps takes very long, perhaps 15 minutes max, but they are so emotionally charged that I often find myself wiped out when I’m finally done. It may also be because I will still be waiting on the results of the main reason I routinely make this trek. If all goes well, by late tomorrow afternoon I will hear back from Dr Gehrig that my CA-125 has continued to stay within the normal range.  Then you can cue the sigh I didn’t realize I had been holding since probably my last check up.

Positively Positive

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I should have know when his first degree was in Psychology that it would come back to kick me in the arse one day. Remind me to thank him for that kick, I really needed it.

I got off schedule with my antidepressant and got stuck in a bit of a negative spiral this weekend. Certainly there are a number of things happening at the moment worthy of being depressed and usually I am able to re-frame and re-focus so I can soldier on, but now and again a kick is in order. This was one of those times.

In my previous post, I must have done a terrible job explaining that every now and then I just want to do something fun with someone else. Something that doesn’t revolve around my cancer. Right now I have been making such big asks of pretty much all of my friends and loved ones related to my cancer treatment that turning around and asking them to give up time with their loved ones and do something fun with me purely because I am lonely seems ridiculously selfish.
And damn if it did not hurt that the one single guy who hasn’t been called on for anything could not even be bothered to respond to my request to go to the movies. Not even to say no. Way to keep me grounded in reality introverted single guy. 
So much suckage all around me I just could not deal with it all so it was spilling out of me all over our conversation until he had heard enough and wrote…

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“Change your thoughts and you change your world.”

But he was not done there so he continued with, “Now is especially not the time to be so negative. Lie to yourself if you have to. Negative thoughts can be very damaging to the body, mind, and spirit.”

I responded that I knew that, but DAMN.

That earned me a stern, “nope, no damn” so I called him bossy. Seriously, he’s bossy. He claimed it is only when he needs it…

I railed back that I have been lying to myself about things getting better for so long now while things just keeps getting worse that I no longer believe that particular affirmation.

He suggested, “Find the things that are positive and focus on them.”

A 5 yr old said I was beautiful Saturday; so kids dig me.
Dogs dig me.
“Good things are everywhere if you look.”
Yes, so are couples doing happy shit.
[Did I mention I am snarky and stubborn?]
It was time for his class to start back up so he closed with, “I hope you can start focusing more on the positive.”
Challenge Accepted. [I am also competitive and love a challenge]
Positive 1.  I am going to save a fortune in shampoo and conditioner
Positive 2.  I save so much time getting ready in the morning
Positive 3.  Fergus is even bossier than you so I always have a reason to roll out of bed
Positive 4.  There’s no one here to tell me I shouldn’t have ice cream for breakfast
Positive 5.  I’m having ice cream for breakfast
Look at that. Five and it was not even 8AM yet!
Positive (?) 6.  I eat less ice cream than I used to eat
Positive 7.  Plenty of uninterrupted knitting time
Positive 8.  I have virtually no forehead wrinkles
Positive 9.  I have a super nice mailman
Positive 10. My cousin sent me 2 lovely hats
Positive 11. A friend sent me a lovely card with a Starbucks gift card
“Now doesn’t that feel much better?” he asked.
maybe…
Positive 12. I have great friends
Positive 13. I found my comfy t-shirt material hat yesterday
Positive 14. All the horrible election ads will be gone
Positive 15. I’m getting lunch from my peeps at CockADoodleMoo food truck today
(which comes with a generous side of hugs and smiles)
 Positive 16. Fergus likes to spoon on cold mornings
Positive 17. I was able to put my trash and recycling bins out by myself
Positive 18. A free bagel every day in November at Panera
(so breakfast is covered when I’m not up to it & trash duty took care of that energy)

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The Xanga!

Positive 18(+). A $1 off coffee too. Wut?!?!
Positive 19. The Xanga, from CockADoodleMoo Food Truck gets its very own number.
(Someone recently said I know too many foodies, but can you really? I think not)
to be continued…
Don’t worry, I got this…

Being Single with Cancer SUCKS

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[or “Why I Think They Should Just Hand You a 1000 Cats With Your Cancer Diagnosis When You Are Single”]

I told him I wanted to write a post about how much it sucks to be single with cancer but I feel like it is just so whiny to cry about all the things that hurt about being single through all of this and would discount all of the great support I have around me. Everyone is always telling me how upbeat and positive while I’m all sad because I’m alone 90-95% of the time and just want someone to cuddle up with me on the couch to watch movies or take me out on a stupid date (or… or… or… the list goes on for a pitifully long time). No one wants to date a sick bald girl who is always tired and weak.

He said, “I think you should write the post.”

I asked him why? To vent my spleen? It just seems so pathetic and I have been single for so long now I suspect everyone just figures that my being single is a personal choice and that I like it being alone as opposed to a “chick can’t land a date if you tied movie tickets and coupons for free steak dinners around her neck” type reality now made all the more difficult by a lack of hair and reproductive organs.

“Just curious if you have tried a dating site.”, he asked, followed closely by, “Also, I think many would not care about reproductive organs.”

Have a tried a dating site? HA! Yes, I’ve tried multiple dating sites.

The most successful outcome is MSEE that I’ve been talking to for years but have only been out on 4(?) actual dates …and none of those recently. He’s not intimidated by my intelligence, loves my sense of humor, and is all kinds of supportive from a comfy introverted distance but that severely lacks a certain something.

 Then there is the parade of losers:
  1. Guy who actually asked if I was able to have children before ever even asking me on a date or meeting me in person. (this guy certainly cared about reproductive organs along with what skills I could bring to the relationship)
  2. Those who have deemed themselves not intelligent enough for me before we ever even met in person (or allowing me to make that determination for myself).
  3. Extremely memorable guy who couldn’t understand why his kicking his dog was a deal breaker for me.
  4. Guy whose first words to me were to ask if I liked full body massages… (are there people who DON’T?)
  5. Dude who offered “coffee, tea, or me turned over your knee getting spanked” as a means of introduction.
  6. Guy who declared himself too boring for me. (granted, I agreed with him on this point)
  7. Twenty-something who offered his services to me at my leisure… in his van…behind a gas station…in Rocky Mount.

The remainder were either older than my father (which is just too weird for me) or more than half my age and applying for my consideration as their sugar momma (in the greatest abuse of the English language I have ever witnessed and I’ve witnessed some major abuse in my day).

“Well, yeah, people are freaks.”

At least the ones who contact me via dating sites!

I told him that perhaps by the time morning hit Zambia my pitiful spleen would vent a post on the blog titled “they should just hand you a 1000 cats if single when diagnosed with cancer.”

“Well, maybe work on the title.”, he suggested.

…don’t worry, I got this, thanks to friends like him (he sayeth so it iseth).